Posted by Lyra Mollington
I’ve been rumbled.
My grandson let it slip that I’m writing for the Good Funeral Guide. My sister Myra has just phoned me – and she seems to have forgotten that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
M: Congratulations on your new hobby. What on earth possessed you to write about funerals?
L: Well, I’ll be 75 this year and I do seem to be going to rather a lot of them. What is it they say? ‘The only two certainties in life are death and taxes.’ Everyone knows that there’s always a bit of wriggle room when it comes to taxation, but when…
M: I was overjoyed to read about our mother.
L: Quite a few people commented – it got them thinking.
M: And judging. Truth is in the eye of the beholder – what happened to my version of the facts?
L: Ah! ‘Is there anything more closely connected with wisdom than truth?’
M: You can still tell the truth – just miss out certain things.
L: I missed out quite a lot as well you know. But kept enough in to express what was really important.
M: Which was?
L: That our mother was never boring.
M: And well done for getting Mogadon, Mein Kampf and digestive biscuits in the same sentence. Genius!
L: Well…not quite the same sentence. There’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of. And I did change our names.
M: Not all of them. Not yours or Sammy’s.
L: I changed yours.
M: Yes, thank you for giving me the name of the most notorious female murderer of the 20th Century.
M: And when did that lovely actress Joan Hickson have anything to do with funerals?
L: Apart from investigating murders you mean?
M: She was playing a role.
L: So am I. And like Miss Marple, I’m not afraid of dead bodies.
M: Mollington – Amateur Detective for Funerals? So you’re going to carry on with this nonsense then?
L: Oh yes! In fact first thing on Monday I’m being given a guided tour behind the scenes at our crematorium. Apparently, they’ve been reading the GFG so they couldn’t wait to have me. I’m going to take them some cupcakes…
M: So nothing I can say is going to stop you?
L: Looking round the crematorium or taking cupcakes?
M: No! Writing your silly articles.
L: I’m afraid not Mary. Writing about death has given me a new lease of life.